‘Am I on the right track?’ I tortured myself for the hundredth time that evening and as my legs wobbled to cross the long lobby of the Central Mall to enter the Cinema, deep down I knew I wasn’t. Watching a film was one thing, but watching a film with someone you have a crush on, someone you want to latch on to, despite the fact that you are married to someone else is altogether another scene. I had to be honest, at least to myself and admit that I was attracted to Rajeev, the way a moth gets hooked to the light. I might have put a very cliché simile to present my feelings for him, comparing myself to a moth and Rajeev to the light. Anyone reading this might have actually started imagining a huge orange or white bulb in a big round semitransparent white lamp surrounded by a horde of tiny moths. But this was exactly the level of my attraction. And it had been years that I had come across someone that had fascinated me so much. Now one might think, he must be having all those twilight-movie, vampire-features or Christian Grey looks or money, but that wasn’t the case. There was not a tinge of extraordinariness about him, just a subtle middle aged guy and perhaps that’s what surprised me. What was it about this man that kept the strings attached?

I glanced at my expensive watch, a gift from my husband on my last birthday. Next I checked my cell phone. “Ten minutes. Stuck in a traffic jam”, Rajeev had texted which meant I had another ten minutes to ponder over the question I had been tormenting myself with. To flip my mental coin and think on the other side, I pondered, was I lonely, anxious, or simply bored? Aren’t these the emotions drawing you towards someone else or it’s just what people say, ‘that phase of a marriage.’

As I entered the washroom to check my make up and put on some extra layers of lipstick (sometimes I simply reapplied it over and over again. Food for thought, that kind of thing), I thought about my husband. We had been married for three years now and not once did I lie to him. Then should I be going and watching that movie inside and what if Rajeev holds my hand or whispers something to me that make me flush? I wondered if one movie with him, holding hands, would lead to another movie with me leaning on his shoulder and then next and then next and so on. Despite undercurrent of guilt, I could feel the butterflies fluttering in my stomach, making me behave and think like a sixteen year old.

Occupied with my thoughts, I hadn’t realised that a girl who was charging her cell phone in the washroom was observing me since the time I had entered.  She stared at me once more and I gave her my ‘not so sure’ smile. She returned the smile somewhat funnily and then turned to her chore. When I was finally satisfied with my face, (done with the makeup), I decided to spend another killer minutes in the washroom. And then I thought about my best friend. Had I told her about this movie, how would she have reacted? “Are you out of your mind? Don’t do something that you would later regret.” Yes, that would exactly be her words. Then again my overprotective elder sister, “For God sake, you are married! If you do anything outlandish, I myself will tell your husband.” I found these sentences kind of strange and yet so familiar. Sometimes when you know the person in and out, you know exactly how he or she would speak. You would even know their patent dialogues and you can even imagine their expressions.  I do this often and it’s sort of funny.  I bit my lower lip and checked my phone again. Another message from Rajeev, “Too much of traffic. Trying to reach asap.” I punched in a quick message, “Take your time.” The fact was I wanted more time for myself and somewhere I felt how lucky I would be if he texted that he can’t turn up for the movie. Maybe the traffic would never get thin and I can save myself from all this painful thoughts. That’s because, the trail of these thoughts would not end here. Perhaps they would begin from here. And I shall be torturing my mind, for some other nights analysing things and would play this triangle of my husband, Rajeev and myself till a long time.

I had to decide then and there. It was too much pressure on my little mind. I took a deep breath and turned to the girl who was still sitting and charging her phone. Then raising both my fists I asked her to choose among the two. She gave me a knowing look then, as if somewhere she read between the lines that I was troubled with my emotions. “There you go”, she said and placed her hand on my left fist. I relaxed and muttered, “Thank you. You kind of saved me.” My cell phone beeped again and I checked my message. “I am at the ticket window. Where are you?” I did not care to reply. I simply walked towards the cinema with a broad smile. “A person with integrity”, that’s what I wanted to be. I did not want to ditch Rajeev at the last minute. He had driven all the way from his office from the other end of the city, just to be with me. “First and the last time”, I said to myself and then went inside the Cinema, to enjoy the company of the person I was attracted to. Actually, my left fist was ‘to just catch a taxi and go home.’ “Integrity, huh”, I thought as I walked in, “I’ll get there someday.”