Sometimes you just couldn’t get through about what you want in your life. You just roam here and there and wander all around. World says that I should be proud of myself – I am an MBBS student, got an admission in free seat- making me wear the crown of Mr. Topper doesn’t guarantee my success…..It just feels like being in a golden cage. Although I accept the fact that I am free to do whatever I want to and my studies have never been a problem to it except during the exams or getting pissed up due to lack of attendance. I feel like I am very procrastinating, putting things to be done later on… I tried so many things from the very first day of my college till today- be it starting a website, to participating in Bazzigar, to starting a seller portal on flipkart and starting an online food business….All these things have juust remained undone.  Had I really been interested in doing a business, I should have generated atleast a penny out of it. This is what makes me ashamed of myself. I have got most of luxuries that most of the kids of my family or my classmates haven’t got. Be it from cellphones, to watches, good clothes, money, almost everything… - Rs. 63,000 balance is what my account shows – to spend anywhere, and daddy won’t ask where did the money go…? My parents are doing all this just to make me happy.

Wise men say that it takes a lot of struggle before you actually rise high. To me- I just don’t know any fucking struggle. All that I have done till date is enjoyment- Just fun, going to Anand by driving, going to saputara, Mumbai, Watch all the upcoming movies, masturbate, watch porn, costly dinners, Wasting petrol on aimless rides and what not..!! I have not yet seen the mirror, I have not yet realized the real me, I have yet seen no struggle. How can I forget that Purvi(my sister) got a vehicle only in the fourth year of her college – when she got a job in Times Of India. How can I forget the days, when Dad just used to give her a thousand rupee for her entire month, yet she survived, She was Happy..!! And here, look at me, Thousand rupee is my daily expenditure…. And what’s more, when she had some accident and got a crack in her knee- As the vehicle that dad gave to her was a sort of defective, then dad never told me to give my aviator to her,  she was left alone to get through it…. That is something that makes her stronger.. All this partiality, just because I scored some 95% in my 12^th standard and got an admission in MBBS….    (all this seems like WTF)

And still today, I get jealous of her. I just never knew that she would make out her way too long… I still sometimes wonder Whats my passion that shall lead me forward – just like her passion led her forward.. I just can’t understand What Imperssion my family has made out of a doctor that they are having some great hopes with me… I have seen medicos who are just kinda fucked up, just because they are not doing it out of interest, but out of force.. And today I feel like I am gonna be one of those fucked up doctors, If I don’t find something better. I am becoming a bad ass day by day…. Getting psychic  day after day. All my skills and talents are getting ruined. I am now no more as confident as I used to be once. I don’t have that purity of thoughts, that I once had.. I regret that now I have started sharing bed when my age is to share knowledge and skills…. On the other side, Purvi is getting promotions day after day and leading her office due to her dedication.. I feel like I have messed up my life and just can’t get through it. I have become worse at my relations, my behavior, my skills, I am getting introvert… I buy a lot of books but rarely read them. I am all pissed up with my bad habits and need to get it done right. My Brain now no more gets some mind changing, life changing thoughts - that I once used to get… I am now no more able to accomplish anything and all my works are left undone. Now I am no more a good son, No more loyal, no more honest. And now I have even become a thief.. After stealing some 30,000 bucks from my dad’s savings, How can I just breathe in normally? How can I be alright?  I had a wave of some great business in my head, that I would use that money grow my business- even though no one was supporting me, I thought to carve out my own path with that money..That feeling was just melodramatic, the once you would have seen in Bollywood films… I don’t know how long shall I take to get this through my head that – Life is not as easy as I think of it…life is not all that Nobita and Doremonworld where the solution to all the problems is a gadget. I want all those my habits back, where I am a free bird, where I am not a thief, where I respect other girls and not categorize themas “maal” , Where I am still a Virgin, where I am open minded, where my eyes don’t get stuck up at the cleavages and I have something interesting to watch in life except the curves and peeping stripes….

I feel like after becoming  Shivani’s boyfriend, I am soo Infatuated by her that I just can’t put a hold to my emotions Or rather I would say – a hold on my penis. Although if she would not have been in my life, It would have been someone else… How can I forgive myself , when I can kiss a girl, smooch her, hardly  knowing her name… How can I fall to such a great heights… And on the other side, I talk to my parents about becoming a superrich guy, with a private hopper, Rolls Royce Phantom and what not. I often feel like – God doesn’t give a right to everyone to dream of a Rolls Royce or a chopper….. Whether I am included in that category, I just don’t know…. My dad’s these sex arousal genes are getting too much on me…  I have made a hell out of my life, I don’t study these days, Nor do I do something really productive….. All that I did the last day was – fuck a girl in the hotel and wasting some 4000 rupees just to satisfy my sperms. “what the hell !!!” it might sound to you; how can I become such a man…?

Would I ever be able to tell my dad that I did so ? Would I ever be able to look again in my parents ’eyes? Well I don’t know. I don’t know what shall I make out of my life… When I talk to shivani, I aalways tell her that II won’t marry you till I get a chopper, a yacht and a private jet – All of my own… But trust me I am not even sure of a car If I continue with my these habits. I shall never be able to tell my kids that I had sex with someone when I was of your age. I won’t be able to confess in front of my kids that I stole money from my own house when I was of your age. I won’t be able to look into my sister’s eyes and say all this.

Its all my bad and I am dumping it down to you.. Please forgive me God….. Mom; Dad, Please forgive me for all that I have done. I shall be a good man once again that I ever was. This is gonna be my new life.

Thank you God.

Seeking for your forgiveness and blessings.

-          Anonymous